I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
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