I like your tight end
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I told you snow.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Fairies just spell trouble.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Don't get tide down.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
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