What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Treat yo shelves.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
"No wine left behind."
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
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