What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Resting Grinch face.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
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