Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
It’s party thyme.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
You’re wine in a million.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
I’m fondue you.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Feeling fintastic.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
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