Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
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