Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
That was thaw-some!
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
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