If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Your love will always be up to par.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
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