I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Water you doing, my friend?
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
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