Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
"You had me at merlot."
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
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