The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Deja brew all over again.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Life is brew-tiful!
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
The huddle is real
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
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