I always have a souper time with you.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
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