I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
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