An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
All stereos are so typical.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
We like to paddy.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
"What an egg-citing day."
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
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