What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
"Be kind, re-wine."
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Love at frost sight!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
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