Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
"I've found some bunny to love."
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
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