What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
That’s a-may-zing!
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
"You bake me crazy."
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
I wood never leaf you.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
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