I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
"I mead more wine."
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Leaf me alone.
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