Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Have you botany plants lately?
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
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