I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
"You crack me up."
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Bookworms take shelfies.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Rebel without a Claus.
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