What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
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