Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
"I wood never leaf you."
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
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