What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
I can heartly wait to see you.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Tis the sea-sun.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
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