A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
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