Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
Rebel without a Claus.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Leaf me alone.
My love for you simply radiates.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Come witch me to the party.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
I only have ice for you!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
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