Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I yam what I yam.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
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