What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
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