A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
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