What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
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