What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
I whale always love you.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
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