All farts...are laughing gas.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
"You bake me crazy."
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
Rebel without a Claus.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
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