What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
It's ice to meet you.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
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