What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
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