What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
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