What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
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