What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
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