How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Don't even chai.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
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