What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Time to spruce things up.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
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