Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
One should always practice what they peach.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
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