How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Time to spruce things up.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
"Be kind, re-wine."
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
You shamrock my world.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”