Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
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