What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Yule be sorry.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
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