When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Wear green, or leaf.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Seas the day!
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
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