The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I’ll never leaf you.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
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