My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Books are my kind of texts.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
I'm snow bored.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
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