Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
We bee-long together.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
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