I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
You are aged to perfection.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
They say everything gets better with age.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
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