Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
They say everything gets better with age.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
You are aged to perfection.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
More candles means a bigger wish!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
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