“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
More candles means a bigger wish!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
You are aged to perfection.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
They say everything gets better with age.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
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