My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.