I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
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