Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Are you squiding me right now?
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
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