What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
We make a great pear
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
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