The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Books are my kind of texts.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
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