What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Broken pencils are pointless.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
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