May the mass times acceleration be with you.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Treat yo'elf.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
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