Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
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