I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
"Sip happens."
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Go to BabaMail
