If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
French people give me the crepes.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
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