What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Join us for plenty of play action.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
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