Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I'm snow bored.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Poor white splash.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
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