I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Irish you were beer.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Don’t be elfish.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I always have a souper time with you.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
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