What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Have you botany plants lately?
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