Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Deja brew all over again.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
"There's no bunny like you."
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
I'm snow bored.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
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