I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
"Sip, sip hooray."
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
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