What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
That was thaw-some!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
"I'm nuts about you."
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
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