How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Skiing is believing!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
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