A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
People are always after me lucky charms.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
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