How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
It’s party thyme.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Tis the sea-sun.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Shell-abrate the good times!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
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