What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
You’re my #1 pick.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
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