What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Whatever coats your boat.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I'm snow bored.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
"Dying to have fun."
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
I whale always love you.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
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