What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
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