Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
He’s my pinch charming.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Snow thank you.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
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