What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
I always have a ball with you.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
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