Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I only have ice for you.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
For instant fun, just add water.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
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