Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
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