Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I yam what I yam.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Everybody romaine calm.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
I’m soy
into you.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
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