What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
"Yoda one for me."
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Where my prose at?
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
All stereos are so typical.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
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