Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What does a house wear?
Address.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
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